wacko

I've stopped taking the painkillers for my foot. They were quite strong and I don't want to be turning into Micheal Jackson do I?

stains massive

Look at that! Disgusting! Who would beleive that a man who shopped at Marks and Spencers could be so dirty.

footloose

There used to be a woman here - forget her name now. Apparently she was a big noise at Littlewoods. Total disappointment. Not a clue. Put a pair of flip-flops out in autumn. Mind you I wouldn't wear them any time of year...not with my bunions.

roll up

That lucky dip is an embarassement. I'll have nothing more to do with it. Was it Doris's idea? Her tombola was a table full of tat too.

passing wind

Typical. I get up the stairs and sit on the loo and nothing. The minute I'm baclk behind that till I'll be passing wind no problem

widowed

"I was widowed very suddenly at 57 and I couldn't stop thinking well who is going to creosote the fence now?"

equal opportunity

"She's a sullen little madam."

"Just sits there behing the till all day, texting..."

"She never takes the hangers out of the clothes when she's serving..."

"Oh no. That'd be too much effort"

"And if I catch my leg on that blessed wheelchair of hers once more I'll..."

"They'll not get rid of her though...like I say it's all equal opportunities now so it makes us look good if we have a disabled one."

Complicated converation

"Well then, let me just ask... will you be calling him "He" or calling him "She"

"I think he prefers to be called she actually so..."

"Well don't expect me to be joining in. He is not a she. Under that dress he is a HE. If he really wanted to be a she there's an operation he could have but he's obviously not THAT bothered is she? I mean he."

"I'm not sure if it's... well, it's complicated isn't it?"

"Not really. And if that cuppa's mine go easy on the milk ta."

overheard whilst putting kettle on

"Strange bag... a tatty copy of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and one worn out flip-flop..."

"Heather Mills"

top secret

"This is just between you and me...I actually own enough wigs to stock a small wig shop."

headhunted

"I came out of retirement for a spell when the woman in habidashery went in for her hysterectomy..."

USP

"Have you met Stephanie...our transvestite?"
Betty (with eyebrows raised to heaven)

a bit of a spat

Toni (German octogenarian with super-human strength and OCD) to Hannah (pretty A level student who turns up for one hour every week to check that our jigsaw puzzles have the requisite amount of pieces - apparently she will get a Duke of Edinburgh award if she keeps it up for a year...)

"Look darling look this would be beautiful on you, here darling you have it..."

Me (choking on tuna sandwhich from Sayers)
"Hang on Toni I think that's a Chanel dress....?"

"Yes darling yes but it would suit the girl, let her take it don't be mean..."

"I...erm, sorry to be rude but, well...no we could sell that for quite a lot. I think so do you mind not giving it to Hannah? No offence. You're brilliant at sorting jigsaws and that but well, no way."

Hannah continues counting jigsaw pieces. Toni mutters insulting things about me in German whilst crushing cardboard boxes between her thighs.

The New Girl

"Cup of tea Margaret?"

"Doris has made my tea for 12 years so I don't see why everything should change now, do you?"

"I'll take a mint if you don't mind. I treated my self to some onion on my sandwhich at lunch."

"Well you know what men are like if there's tea on tap..."

A cracking start

I'm sitting in a small stuffy room in a warehouse in Warrington. A tiny Geordie is reading out a poem about an isolated pensioner looking back at her life with real feeling. I am quietly unwrapping Werthers Originals and stuffing them into my mouth in a bid to stop myself crying. It's no good. By the time the tiny Geordie finishes the poem I am actually sobbing. Full on snot and everything.

"I think we'll take a break there whilst Sara gets herself a tissue" says the softly spoken Geordie.
A cracking start to my new career as a sales assistant in a charity shop.