are you being served?

A bedraggeld old gent, with more than a whiff of sherry and urine about him, is pleading with Elsie at the till to let him into the changing room.

"I'm waiting to try these trousers on."

"I know sir but please... There's a young lady in there trying to squeeze herself into a Vivienne Westwood suit. Come out and give us a twirl luvvy... Are you sure that's buttoned up properly?It looks a bit...well I suppose that's what they call "the style" these days. "

"If she's going to be all day I'll try them on here..."

The gent drops his trousers in the middle of the shop and shuffles into his new ones. Elsie still manages to close the sale on the Vivienne Westwood suit.

mistaken identity

I've got one of those little fat fellas made of stone in my garden. What do you call them?

A gnome?

No, the other one. You know. Buddah.

wacko

I've stopped taking the painkillers for my foot. They were quite strong and I don't want to be turning into Micheal Jackson do I?

stains massive

Look at that! Disgusting! Who would beleive that a man who shopped at Marks and Spencers could be so dirty.

footloose

There used to be a woman here - forget her name now. Apparently she was a big noise at Littlewoods. Total disappointment. Not a clue. Put a pair of flip-flops out in autumn. Mind you I wouldn't wear them any time of year...not with my bunions.

roll up

That lucky dip is an embarassement. I'll have nothing more to do with it. Was it Doris's idea? Her tombola was a table full of tat too.

passing wind

Typical. I get up the stairs and sit on the loo and nothing. The minute I'm baclk behind that till I'll be passing wind no problem